FuzzyChef Food & Pottery

It's the the battle of the titans!

In da left corner, we have Sri Chinmoy! This deceased quasi-Indian cult leader, marathon runner and flautist, through his restaurants such as Ananda Fuara in San Francisco, brings us the Neatloaf, a popular savory main dish of mysterious ingredients!

In da opposite corner we have Prabhupadha! The late founder of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness, otherwise known as Hare Krishna, brought Vishnavism and surprisingly good Indian food to millions of people worldwide via his empire of temple-restaurants and three cookbooks. Today he brings us the Nutloaf!

Two, two, two! bald Indian former cult leaders. Two 1970's-style vegetarian meat-substitute main dishes. Two hours to cook. Two heavily greased baking pans. Which one will win? Keep reading and find out.

The shopping list for the two loafs was surprisingly short. This is definitely economy food. On the left are most of the ingredients for the Neatloaf. I got the recipe for Neatloaf on the internet from someone who claimed to be a former Sri Chinmoy cultist. The box of Special K as an ingredient rather threw me, but several other online sources verified it, so I went with it. Other ingredients included instant soup, tofu, ricotta, garlic, onion, eggs and seasonings.

On the right are the ingredients for the Nutloaf, including mozzarella, celery, pepper, onion, eggs, walnuts, cashews and seasonings. In the center are the shared ingredients: brown rice and tomato puree. (oh, and that's a mirror in the background. Sorry to be visually confusing.)

Round 1: Ingredients: to Prabhupadha, since he didn't make us buy Special K.

Next, I had to make rice and sautee the aromatics for both recipes.

Brown rice, peppers and onions for the Nutloaf. The onions are a little surprising given that this is Vedic food, but apparently they're Krishna onions.

The Neatloaf had only onions as aromatics. Will this be its doom? Time will tell!

I also had to make a quick tomato sauce for the Nutloaf. I made a sauce for the Neatloaf as well, but the internet author got that one completely wrong, it was nasty. So I used a bottle of barbeque sauce instead, which was much better. I recommend making your own slow-cooked barbeque sauce to go with your neatloaf.

Round 2: Sauce: Prabhubadha. Although the Neatloaf sauce recipe I got was probably just wrong.

The Nutloaf also required grinding the nuts.

The Neatloaf, on the other hand, required only mashing the ricotta and tofu.

Next we assembled both mixtures in big bowls, and then put them into loaf pans. Above is the nutloaf. Here we've already made a critical mistake. Do you know what it is?

For the Neatloaf, it was critical that I add the Special K last and put it in the loaf pan right away so that it didn't completely dissolve.

Round 3: Prep Effort to Sri Chinmoy, with his "throw everything in a bowl" easy assembly.

I then baked both loaves for one hour at 300F. The nut loaf had me cover for the first hour of cooking, which rendered its top pallid and slimy, forcing me to add an extra 15 minutes of browning. Both then cooked for 15 min with sauce.

As you can see, the Neatloaf sauce glazed better, possbily due to its sugar content. The sauce on the nutloaf just didn't change color.

Round 4: Appearance: to Sri Chinmoy.

Then I had the issue of how does one get the loaves out of the pans? Slices would just crumble, and turning out the whole loaves means turning them sauce down on the plate, ruining their appearance. I asked my sweetie, the meat eater, how one usually handles this for meatloaf.

"Beats me. I don't think I've ever actually made mealoaf."

Feh. Fat lot of good being married to a meat eater did me. Eventually I ended up inverting the loaves for lack of a better solution. Next time, I'll use a tin foil sling or something.

Sliced, they both looked ok on the plate. We served them with sauteed broccoli rabe, and some garlic mashed potatoes. Because, why not make it the full experience?

Round 5: Slices: draw.

So, finally time to taste. The Neatloaf was moist and rich, tasting fatty and breaking up easily in the mouth. I won't say it tasted like meatloaf, but it didn't taste vegan, that's for sure. The Nutloaf, on the other hand, was chewy and nuggety, delivering the message "macrobiotic health food." Ugh.

Round 6: Taste and Round 7: Texture: both to Sri Chinmoy.!

And .... dah winnah is ... Sri Chinmoy, with his Neatloaf. The new grand champion dead bald cultist meat-replacement chef of da universe!

It also made fine leftovers. Highly recommended sliced in a sandwich with lettuce, tomato and barbeque sauce. Here's the recipe:

• 4 eggs
• 2 tbs dry Onion Soup Mix, or similar (we use dried miso soup packets)
• 1/3 LB ricotta cheese
• 1/3 LB firm tofu (mashed into small pieces)
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup chopped onions
• 1 tbs minced garlic
• 1 cup cooked brown rice
• 1 tsp. oregano
• 1 tsp. basil
• 1/2 tsp. rosemary (or 2 tsp minced fresh)
• 3 cups (dry measured) Special K (about 1/3 to 1/2 of a regular box)
• 2/3 cup good barbecue sauce, plus more for serving

Heat the oven to 300 degrees F. Sauté the onions and garlic.

Beat eggs in a bowl, and then add all other ingredients except the Special K. Mix well and then add the Special K last. Pour into a greased loaf pan.

Bake for 1 hour, then sauce over loaf, and bake for 10 to 15 more minutes. Saucing should be skipped if your are planning to make sandwiches with this.

Allow to set 10 minutes before attempting to serve.